I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
