You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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