I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
