she woke up with a sticky ear
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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