Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
