Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
