I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
