You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
