Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
