the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
