mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Duck Duck Cougar?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
