I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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