dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
