I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
