i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
