my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
