nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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