someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
