I'm so fucking centered right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
