Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When did angry sex become our thing?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
