Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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