My nipple is on Facebook.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
