There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
