I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
