Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
