So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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