so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I want a musical about memes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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