the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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