this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
