When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
