At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
