I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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