We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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