I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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