sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
