Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
