True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
