So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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