I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
