I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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