I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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