??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
