At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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