Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
