I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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