dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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