I met the friendliest cop last night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
