Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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