so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
