i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
