He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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