we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
