It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
