I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
