My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
